As promised earlier this week, my mentality switch to positive thinking has begun. Even just after a few days I can access my old self and see the parts of that girl I liked so much back then. It's not coming easily and this week has presented way more challenges than I had expected or desired but I've managed to bulldoze through them and keep myself afloat as much as possible while maintaining a really positive outlook.
I am playing a HUGE course this weekend. The Lynx is on a ball golf course totaling 13,000 feet, with a TON of par 4's and 5's. There are not many competitors in my division however one of my great great friends will be on my card. This week at my leagues, I did not allow myself to get defeated or frustrated despite not playing up to par (heh). The missed putts aren't so stressful, the early releases are worth a giggle and the OB strokes are only a mild inconvenience. The next stroke feels like a new opportunity instead of something to worry about. My game is not where I want it to be right now but letting it exist as it is for the time being feel so good and so relieving. I am not expecting anything out of myself this weekend except to make sure my card is having a good time, to show up and try my best, and to continue to repair my damaged soul.
I wanted to touch again on positivity and how quickly good things spread (and also how quickly the bad does also). Your card consists of different personalities, some social, some weary, some self conscious, some extremely negative. I myself have witnessed a group of these people, throughout a round start as such a mix-matched bunch, to giving high fives and "good shot's" and smiling and laughing together despite all of their differences. I have also been on the card with the one negative person that can bring the entire card down. Which do you want to be, and which do you think is better for everyone?
I had (I deleted "I have" because I'm moving forward) gotten selfish and internal and negative 1. It was ruining ME as a person in every aspect of my life. 2. It DOES effect the people around me and my game. 3. It turned into a scary spiral and lastly, now, finally 4. I am getting back to the GOOD. THANK YOU for everyone who has had faith in me that I would get past it, and has been there for me (and still are) no matter my bad attitude.
I am in a place now that I am seeing the lights, I am kicking the pinecones again and taking in the sun and keeping my chin up and absorbing good energy and therefore starting to radiate it again for you guys and for myself. Spread the positives and forget the negatives. Spread the love and you will receive it back 10 fold. I can't believe I forgot all of this...
We're all just throwing frisbees in a park right? That's really not so bad... ;)
Thanks for listening, and hanging in there with me.
Just a girl with a bunch of frisbees.
This is another post on positivity. For a short time I was the queen of positive thinking. My past is full of negativity, frustration and hopelessness that I'm proud to say I pulled out of after some 26 years, much thanks to disc golf! Unfortunately I've let myself wander back to that shadow and although I am about 80% better than I was, that 20% is far too much for me to be okay with.
While traveling, I tend to send myself notes during those 12 hour lonely road trips or long flights where I'm left with only my thoughts. Just recently I sent myself this note "Don't let other people's actions or the way others treat you determine your worth."
Then I looked at my previous note from one month ago and it said this "Don't let the way others treat you determine what you think you're worth. Have confidence from within and work to impress only yourself".
Clearly I've been struggling with the same issue for some time and haven’t gotten a handle on it.
I've been let down plenty in my life and had a big switch of mentality that pulled me out of my rut about a year ago. The idea was to only rely on myself and only put faith and hope in the things I had control over (disc golf, my job, my finances, where I live). That may come off negative but the types of let downs I've experienced have been large and overwhelming, and I would get so broken. I seem to be back in that place though, and allowing others’ attitudes or treatment effect how I see myself. I didn't realize how much of a spiral I have been in the last few months but it all started with an incident in which I felt worthless and unimportant. Then a few things happened that compounded quickly and the result was me deciding I must not be any good. And it shows. Obviously I didn't fully put this together until recently, but Gloomy Glenda has been in full force since then.
Could you guys tell?
It is SO important to think positively no matter the circumstance. In life, in general, it is the key to happiness and I think I forgot that. Everyday life ties into disc golf, so tightly. I need positivity for my game and for my jobs and for my people in my life.
I've battled to happy before, and I know how to do it, I've honestly just been too wrapped up in the bad to let it go. Happiness takes work and I’m determined to get back to the bubbly Tina I used to know and love. I guess I'm writing this blog as a way to hold myself responsible for my actions from here on out.
During my first week back in Portland, I had a friend that said it was so good to have my smile back in Oregon and it reminded me of the girl I was when I left here 8 months ago. She existed for a long time even in Arizona in new surroundings with few friends and for awhile in the first half of the tour when I was crushing tournaments, but she got lost and I NEED to find her for me, for my friends and loved ones, and for the game. I've always had pride in being fun to play with because I had a positive attitude regardless of the day but those days are all too far away and I want them back!!
I don’t know how much everyone can relate to this, but clearly it’s been a long struggle for me and I know I have a few friends out there that have dealt with similar issues. I hope to report back next week with all good things, and hopefully good feeling rounds under my belt despite the score I put up. Attitude really is everything and I’m making the decision for it to be a GOOD one!
The Lynx in Cottage Grove, OR is this weekend. Good friends will be there and I am determined to turn my thoughts around.
P.s. In the recent ratings update, my good round at the Glass Blown Open was increased to a 931! Highest round of my life so far. I’d like to get back to that.
I'm on the plane headed back from Santa Cruz, to Portland and I'll be going straight into the office as soon as I land. I used to fly like this many weekends last year just so I could keep playing events. It's certainly different than road life but it has it's perks for sure.
This weekend as part of the Women's Global Event I played Daisy chains in Watsonville, CA. I played this event for the first time last year and it is a must on my list of tournaments every year. I had a tough decision to make for this one though as I had the option to play the Discmania Combine in hopes of securing a sponsorship, something I've been wanting and working at for awhile now. Being a volunteer for Women's Disc Golf Outreach and being the women's advocate that I am in the sport, I made the tough choice to support and play the WGE instead. There will be opportunities later in the year, hopefully I can peruse sponsorship then.
Daisy chains is an event unlike any I've played. There are about 80 women of every division from all over, and the TD's do a tremendous job of making everyone, both experienced and newbies, feel welcome and taken care of.
This year I had the pleasure of meeting 9 new ladies on my cards. I didn't play with a single person I knew, and I know a ton of people at this tournament! That shows how much the sport is really growing and I'm so happy to be a part of it.
I'm thankful for my friends and "colleagues" that were there for me as I am walking away with my head hanging low. I finished in 7th this year, last year, still being so new, I finished 6th and spent my whole weekend on the lead card... I can't quite put into words what happened as I feel it was a little bit of everything possible going wrong. My round ratings are embarrassing and a month and a half ago, I was shooting 900 and borderline 900 almost every round. YUCK. My first round this year I was flipping everything over into OB and had to switch up distance drivers but the whole round felt compromised and timid. The second round started with some bad luck but started going well with mostly consistent pars for quite awhile then ending with a 6 double penalty on one of the shorter (though still difficult holes) which left me feeling defeated and only a 2 stroke improvement on the first round. Sunday was a new day and I was feeling strong and I was throwing far and consistently. I got off the tee pad better than I have in a long time since switching up my form. My upshots were decent too. My game was good, except all of a sudden, I couldn't putt. My mind was either racing or wandering for every putt. I tried so many tactics to clear my head before each putt and it just never worked. I carded a bogey on almost every hole. I'm not exaggerating. Any opportunity at a 15 foot putt for 3, I missed, and I couldn't believe it. I feel like I'm a great putter! In fact I know that I am. But the confidence wasn't there and that's a bigger part of the equation.
I had some good talks with Zoe, my disc golf angel, as she put it, as well as my friends Amanda and Laura. We've all been through it and they gave me some positive vibes, I've just been struggling for over a month now and it's wearing on me to a point that it's just not ok anymore.
I love disc golf. I need disc golf as my therapy. It gives my mind something to focus on when I'm upset or hurt, it gives me the the best friends in the world, it makes me feel accomplished, it gives me joy and pleasure un like anything I've done in my life and it connects me with nature in such a healthy way. I can't continue to be mad at disc golf, I need to find a solution and soon.
I'm seriously contemplating dropping a handful of the tournaments I have coming up shortly. Specifically Beaver State Fling (I'm signed up in open and its $185 I could dolphinately use for other things), and perhaps the Lynx. I need to do some thinking but I think easing up on competing while I work through this may be the best option.
I'm back at the bank now, there is a field down the road that I used to practice in every single day. I'm going to go back to that, hard training, as I have lost my schedule somewhere along the way and make it MORE important that I love the sport.
P.s. My good juju 2014 worlds bracelet broke last week which has brought me such good energy and inspiration since that one week that changed my life, Chris Edwards (the creator) came and did surgery on Sunday so I'm hoping that will help get me back in my groove too.
Life is different now, I have to adjust and be okay with the changes effecting me. I need to say thank you to my support system. Now more than ever I have felt the love and compassion of my disc golf homies. I would be so broken without you all: Shorty, Zoe, Eric, Amanda, Laura, Erika, Madison, Philo, Chris Tellesbo, Chris Edwards and so many more.
Next up: a weekend off in Santa Cruz vending for Whale Sacs!! I'm looking forward to being around all of my favorites but in a relaxed environment.
Peace, positivity, frisbees 4 lyfe
I forgot the plus side, I'm stronger and have been throwing destroyers and PD'S for distance now. That's nuts to me as flippy terns and TD2's have been my distance drivers in the past. Progress!
Now we're getting somewhere! I played a crazy event this last week. My first Glass Blown Open in Emporia, KS! The tournament is insanely well organized, in this amazing little town that is ALL ABOUT us disc golfers! The newspaper featured our tournament every day, the signs of even the mattress store read "Welcome GBO Disc Golfers!". You can't drive anywhere in that town without running into one of the other 1,200+ other disc golfers. It's really an experience unlike anything I've been a part of. Along with the crazy disc golf friendly atmosphere, there was also crazy Kansas weather. We were caught in the middle of tornado and flash flood warnings! This is the first tournament I’ve played that had a lightning delay called twice which forced us to finish our round the next morning. What this meant was that we spent many hours in the cold and rain to only finish 8 holes on one of the longest courses, and then were forced to play the remaining 10 holes at 7:30am followed by our final round on another pretty long course. This was my most exhausting weekend yet and I actually ended up getting really sick on Sunday. I’m finally recovered from a cold/flu that completely took me out until today!
During this tournament, I certainly felt more myself. I do feel like I still belong in the advanced field while I work through these struggles I’ve come across. My first round it was sunny and beautiful, I played with some REALLY lovely girls and ended up coming in with one of the best rounds the TD had seen all day. I shot a +1 on my first day, rated 898. I thought I had kicked my mental battle already and was quite pleased, yet still skeptical. The bad weather set in and my plan was to throw my stable discs and stay in bounds. I was doing pretty well for how bad the wind and rain was. I stayed positive and stayed in bounds most of the time. Then the lightning delays came. We started the next day in nice weather. Still chilly, still moderately windy but not bad. We started on hole 9, the hardest hole on the course in my opinion with 2 island like sections with water and OB everywhere, including in the middle of the first island you play to. My first throw of the day - OB, my second shot over the water, skips OB, and I’m still 400+ from the basket. I played the rest well, got to the basket hit a good putt and it spits out. That’s it, that’s all it took to make me snap. My confidence was shot, I’d felt so good going in and after one hole, I feel defeated and crushed. I wish I had someone there to shake me and remind me that the game isn’t over and that every single stroke counts and you cannot play a round of competitive golf feeling sorry for yourself. I proceeded to take some 5’s, lots of 5’s, missing silly putts and throwing out of bounds quite a bit. I’m glad I was able to talk it out after and re-group about what was happening before the 2nd round of the day. I went into that last round with a good positive attitude and played much better except for a 6 on the last hole where I think I was just too excited. I want to say another thank you to all of my friends for reaching out with good advice and positive thoughts when I was in need. I got a bunch of personalized message from people I haven't heard from in years even. You guys really helped keep my head on straight and kept from making the problem worse. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I ended up tying for 4th again in this A-tier just like the Memorial in Phoenix. This time out of a field of 30 advanced women. I think this is certainly an accomplishment considering 4th is my worst finish in advanced women so far this year.
I learned a lot this tournament and I feel good going back to Portland playing well over my rating again. I’m starting the drive back tomorrow and spending a few days in Salt Lake City, Utah with friends and my new/old job starts on Wednesday. I get to make my own schedule so I’ll still be hitting the tour pretty hard.
Daisy Chains - Santa Cruz, CA
Masters Cup Pro - Vending - Santa Cruz, CA
The Lynx - Cottage Grove, OR
Zoo Town Open - Missoula, MT
Beaver State Fling - Estacada, OR
AM Worlds - Madison, WI
I’m actually starting to get excited to get back to Portland, even for the job. I function well with a schedule, especially one I make myself. It’ll be good to get away from the tour and focus on just me and I can train on my own and hopefully surround myself with my support system in Oregon. Road life has been good but hard and I’m actually looking forward to some much needed me time. I plan to putt and throw putters every day on my lunch break. I plan to make a bunch of money to set me up for a better tour later this year and next year. And I plan to come out on the other side of this job a better, more centered person. Portland did that for me once and I expect it to do that again.
Keep your chins up, stay positive, and just throw some damn frisbees!
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